This took me a month and a lot of thought to write. You should know that up front.
You know when people do really weird and outlandish things on vacation?
Not in the sense of going to Vegas and coming back and repeating, “what happens in Vegas, staaaays in Vegas,” and you look at them and think, “Gosh, I am sorry that your vacation was terrible that you resorted to platitudes to describe it because all you really did was lose money (which, coincidentally, did stay in Vegas) and get drunk and cry in a bathroom because you couldn’t meet the right guy on the dance floor of Marquee.”
Or like when people come back from the Caribbean with corn rows?
I did something exceptionally out of the ordinary on my vacation in June. It’s not something I’d like to admit, but I’m kind of reeling about it.
You see, it is a long ass haul from Sarasota, Florida to San Francisco, California. I downloaded 6 podcasts with the greatest intention of listening to them to keep me occupied on my 8+ hour travel day.
I never got to the podcasts.
I was pleasantly surprised with a first class seat and my own mini tv, so I spent much of my flight from Tampa to Houston watching a Law & Order SVU marathon on Cloo.
After a quick layover in Houston, we boarded our flight to SFO and I was gung ho to get back into my marathon. One episode in, I grew tired of grisly rapes, murders and Freudian complexes. A girl can only take so much legal banter and prowling rapists, and Christopher Meloni stays hot for like, 4 episodes, until you’re like, “Dude, the brooding concern is adorable, but show some range and maybe shoot your gun at the perp for Chrissake…”
My hopes for getting to my podcasts or any music were shattered shortly thereafter because stock iPhone earbuds start to hurt my tender ears after too much use.*
I was trying to figure out how to occupy the next 2 hours and 50 minutes of my life when I remembered that my sister recently emailed me three “novels”, which I had downloaded to my iPhone.
So, yes. I read Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed in 3 plane rides and some vacay downtime.
I’m not proud of this, but I can’t take it back.
I am by no means condoning my behavior, since this book is referred to as ‘Mommy Porn’ and I AM NO MOM.
All I can conclude after engulfing myself in all 3 books is that the age old confusion about women still stands: there are women out there who want to be the one that changes a man and make him a better person.
I’m sorry, but that’s all I truly retained from it. And that is a giant negative. If Sex and the City taught me anything, it’s that women will fuck over any guy to save the Bigs of the world and in the end all that gets you is left at the altar should you agree to marry the shlub.**
Let’s focus on the handful of positives, shall we?
These books aren’t meant to be hilarious, but they are. The writing is abhorrent, and the main character refers to her vagina as her ‘sex’. She is 22 and can’t use the proper anatomical term for her VAGINA. It’s called a vagina. Maybe she would’ve learned that while waiting in the exam chair all stirruped and looking at a poster of a cross-section of female anatomy if the gyno made her come to the office rather than visiting her in home.
Then the author tries to make even the most cringe worthy, horrific moments sexy.**
I had anxiety while reading this. The male lead is an awful, possessive, over bearing, maniacal, egotistical maniac. And this broad loves it.
More than anything, reading the mommy issues were also comical to me. I once dated a guy who hated his mother and really all I can remember is that she got a boob job (which is pretty standard for women in Florida) and he hated her for it. She was no crackwhore like the mom in the book. I should send him these to read so he can reevaluate some life choices and reunite with his mom.
I’m basically a modern day Mother Theresa.
I’m not going to give anything more away that is in the book. But when you read it and want to discuss it with me, here are some key talking points:
- Who will play these two in the movie? I’m thinking Steve Buscemi and Natasha Lyonne circa 2001 when she was living in a gutter in NYC and blowing dudes for crack. That’s how highly I think of this novel.
- What do you call your lady parts? Do you have a children’s book version of what a vagina should be called? Then by all means, call it your peepee while I give you a cold side eye.
- What is a “hard no” for you? I recently read in Cosmo that you should put some coins in the freezer and then put them on your ‘sex’. That’s a hard no for me. If your motto is “see a penny, pick it up, put it on my labia,” I will chastise you to the fullest degree.
- Did 50 Shades of Grey inspire you to shake things up in the bedroom? Here’s my face for that: :( Here’s my response: Get a grip.
These books, while entertaining (FINE, I ADMIT IT, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW E.L. JAMES?), are absolutely 100% asinine. And not in the way that Anastasia Steele is described (her face a 4 but her ass a 9). I feel like maybe the author could have benefited from hiring an editor, or firing her 9 cats for doing a shitty job.
If it’s all the same, I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled reading. Andy Cohen’s book is calling my name, and I’ve yet to meet a Vonnegut book I don’t love.
*At age 11, my father had to rush me to a hospital in Jacksonville because I had massive inner ear infection after too much headphone use. I almost blew an eardrum. I do not take inner ear tenderness lightly because of this. Also, I’m glad mapquest exists now so that when crises occur, I don’t end up in a hospital in the ‘hood where the nurses sit behind bullet proof windows and the doctors call the prescription in to be filled on site, rather than having you go to the nearby pharmacy for it because YOU SHOULDN’T BE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
**Obviously Carrie and Big got back together, I stayed til the end of the movie. But I always felt like she’d have been better off with John Slattery and his pissing on women ways. 1. He’s a hot ass silver fox and 2. I just feel like Carrie really needed to get peed on because she was an idiot.
***The guy pulls this chick’s tampon out of her snatch after she says she’s on her period and EL James tries to make it ‘erotic’. PARDON ME WHILE I VOMIT MY DINNER RELIVING THAT MOMENT.